I was going to wait to make a tidier version of this video—which I actually attempted (and failed)—but this blog is as much about process as it is outcome.
I was in pain by the end.
This video is called “Endurance.”
I over-sharpened some of these…
I wish I had made these with film.
I was going to try to write something, but I have too many thoughts tangled up in each other, and it is making any kind of expression impossible. This has been one of the biggest frustrations of my life. I don’t know how to convey what I feel I must convey. There are no words, drawings, paintings, or photographs that could possibly express. I desperately need to find a language. I feel stopped up, like a nose on a body suffering from a cold. Things are boiling underneath the surface. And I don’t know how to make metaphors that are anything besides terrible clichés. Sometimes I feel like there’s not one scrap of originality or creativity inside me. That is one of the worst things to feel as someone who is trying to be an artist. Trying, trying, desperately trying. Sometimes I feel like saying nothing can say more, like sitting with a friend in complete silence because words don’t suffice. So how do I convey struggle, silence,
Here is a tamer version of what I posted last night, since this is the closest thing I have to a professional online portfolio but the issue needs to be addressed nonetheless:
I am not producing even half the amount of work I should or would like to be producing, and it is because of the one thing that always holds me back: depression. It frustrates the hell out of me. I want to make work. It drives me crazy when I can’t be creative in some capacity. I want to be the best artist I can be. I want to be productive. I want to so badly! But there are times, like right now, where I simply can’t because of the debilitating nature of depression. It sucks, to say the least. This has been the story of pretty much my whole life. I’m not looking for sympathy here, it is just something that needs to be addressed so anyone who wanders onto this thing understands that I am not a deadbeat artist. I’m trying, I promise. I’m doing the best I can given the circumstances.
I just realized I never actually put up the final edit of my museum project. For anyone interested, this is what I got into the bachelor of fine arts program at Cal State Long Beach with (I have copies of these files with much better color balance somewhere, but for now…)
Well, friends, I am very pleased to announce that I was recently invited to contribute to Image States, an online magazine about photography and culture, founded by artists Rebecca Sittler and Francesca Romeo. The site went live this week and we are very excited! I wrote a small piece for the first issue and plan to contribute as often as I am able. Please take a look at imagestates.com! If you wish to go to my piece directly, it can be found here. However, do take a gander at the rest of the site as well! It will be well worth your time.